Liberal Utopia

The Interwebtubes

United States of America

The Dishonorable Lil' Debbie Whassername-Dummkopf

Office of the Chairlifeform

Democrat National-Socialist Commune

Washington, District of Crooks

Re: How Yes You Can Win the Next Election!

Dear Comrade Whassername-Dummkopf:

It appears your collective has hit a teeny tiny snag in its forward progress towards ushering in that extremely hellacious future you and your accomplices have planned for all of us. In the spirit of Teh Working-Together Mandate™ which you have interpreted to be the main result of our recent federal elections, please let me offer you, from the prospective of the epically winning side, what I intend to be some very good advice.

Yes we can all agree not even the American voter's alleged stupidity was anything you could count on and cynically exploit to make other than the most feeble-minded fall for your invented Republican "War" on Women (© 2014 Desperats) and similarly tangled weavings of the pathological false witness you incessantly bear against your political neighbor. Besides, how does that help promote our working-togetherness?

No, stopping such nonsense is the first change the American voter resoundingly said you need now.

Does this mean, however, you should do instead what many have suggested; i.e., try winning back the constituencies your abhorrently fascist antics have all but permanently and completely alienated? Nah. They would no more believe your greasy pandering than your slimy smears. After all, for generations you've been scurrilously defaming them as much as that elephant into whose arms you keep driving them.

As chairlifeform of our nation's only historically segregationist party, it is your responsibility to ensure its members never lose sight of that clearest and longest-held mission of the DNSC: Segregate and eventually enslave all Americans you hate. During the last two centuries, it was the Republican Party that kept you from completing the private-master leg of your collective's mission. Today, you're fifty years into its current, 200-year public-master leg. Don't allow Republicans to undermine that part of it too!

Men, whites, free markets and free thinkers. They're all your mortal enemies. Continue treating them as such. Of course, no one has to remind you about the importance of always trying your best to malign and marginalize them every chance you get. Working together with those who most represent them in the new Congress must, therefore, never entail more than reaching an agreement over how big the chains shackling them should be. Like the more docile, government-dependent slaves whose minds, bodies, souls and votes your plunderbund already wholly owns, their entire purpose in life, as far as you're concerned, is to serve its interests and its alone.

By now, even you probably gather I'm not recommending that you change what you've been doing all along. Only that you do much, much, much, much more of it. You might not think feel now, so soon after the earth-shattering defeat your collective duly suffered, that this is the correct course of action. But trust me, it is. You do realize your mammoth losses would've been far, far worse had you tried pandering to these enemies of yours instead of smearing them, don't you? Just compare it to your 2009 porkulus stimulus spending's unmitigated, across-the-board failure. Remember the excuses reasons you gave for it? That's right: it needed to include much, much, much, much more spending. Not only that, without the spending it did include, our country would've suffered the Greatest. Depression. Ever. rather than a mere Great Recession! So yes you can imagine the size of this snag you've hit had you lessened your smears, say, by half and allowed Republicans to end up winning twice as many federal and state elections. Hint: it wouldn't be teeny tiny.

In sum, all I am asking is give hate another chance — a better one than your collective gave it last November. Believe me, you'll marvel at how well it works.

Hope you find this electoral advice helpful.

Sincerely,