Global Warming Natural Process
(Enter, stage left)
xt. A Park Coldest afternoon in history
Global Warming Natural Process is meeting his Friend.
Cloister bells ring in the distance.
Global Warming Natural Process
Boy, it's cold!
Friend
You say that every winter.
Global Warming Natural Process
I know I do. But this time I mean it.
(
stares up at sky)
It's really cold!
Friend
I don't know why you're complaining. It's supposed to be all your fault anyway.
Global Warming Natural Process
No it's not. The bipeds are saying it's theirs.
Friend
Since when have you ever been interested in what they say?
Global Warming Natural Process
(
kicks the ground)
Since I got bored and wanted something different to do.
Friend
Just like you. Never satisfied with the way things are. Can't you, just once, leave everything the way it is for a change?
Global Warming Natural Process
You mean change this constant insistence I have on having things change?
Global Warming Natural Process
But that would mean changing me. Am I not a part of everything too?
Friend
Don't pull your petty, logical arguments on me. That's not what I meant, and you know it.
Global Warming Natural Process
Then I'm not supposed to change anything. Excepting myself, of course.
Friend
(
brightening)
Right! Seems I'm finally beginning to talk some sense into you.
Global Warming Natural Process
For a change?
Friend
(
look of consternation)
Knock it off.
The wind picks up and it begins to snow heavily.
Global Warming Natural Process
(
shivering)
Dang it. I hate the cold!
Friend
Listen. Let's go in and have a cup of hot chocolate. You'll feel better.
Global Warming Natural Process
I think you're right. Let's go.
Global
Warming Natural Process and his Friend walk toward a line of buildings across the street from the park.
Int. Java Joe's Coffee Club DayBusiness is brisk. The club is crowded with customers.
Java Joe herself has been running around, helping her busy employees take everyone's orders. She and her employees all wear name tags.
Java Joe
(
reviewing her notepad)
So, that would be three latte specials. One without cream.
Customer
Don't forget the nuts on mine.
Java Joe
(
smiles)
Yes, sir. I'll be right back with all of your coffees shortly.
Java Joe heads off toward the kitchen, passing by the main entrance just as Global
Warming Natural Process and his Friend are coming in.
Java Joe turns back to greet them.
Java Joe
Welcome, gentlemen. Just find a seat and one of our associates will be with you in a minute.
Global
Warming Natural Process and his Friend take the one empty booth, nearest the main entrance.
Just as they settle in, a waitress stops by and places two glasses of ice water on their table. Then she heads off.
Global
Warming Natural Process looks at his Friend, annoyed.
Global Warming Natural Process
Bah. Even the water around here is cold.
Friend
Would you rather they bring you a warm glass of it?
Global Warming Natural Process
No. I just thought we came in here to avoid anything cold. Now I'm being served ice!
(
glares at his glass)
It's like they're mocking me.
Friend
No one's mocking you. Nearly every restaurant serves water first. When was the last time you were in one?
Global Warming Natural Process
Exactly four hundred years ago. A little place along the bank of what the bipeds call the River Thames. It was cold
then too.
Friend
What on earth were you doing there?
Global Warming Natural Process
I'd overheard some bipeds talking about a Globe theater and wanted to check it out.
Friend
Let me guess. You thought they were putting on plays about you.
Global Warming Natural Process
That's right. You know how these bipeds are always mischaracterizing me. I wanted to see whether they'd started making a real entertainment of it.
Global Warming Natural Process
Not exactly. I attended one
play about some really messed up family in which the daddy biped got caught in a raging storm at sea.
Friend
So they were blaming you for that storm?
Global Warming Natural Process
No. But they did curse me for freezing their stupid river.
(
angrily)
Now why would they ever do that? They ought to know that I abhor the cold.
Friend
Sounds like you need to hire a PR firm to help change your, oh, so sullied image.
Global Warming Natural Process
Jolly joker. You could've been one of the jesters I saw in between acts there. They were bad too.
Friend
(
hurt)
I was just kidding. You know, you got to stop being so sensitive all the time.
Global Warming Natural Process
(
looking depressed)
You're right. It must be this record cold that's making me talk this way. I'm usually very cheerful.
A
Waiter appears at their table.
Waiter
(
pulling out notepad)
Are you gentlemen ready to order?
Friend
We sure are. I'll have one of your best hot chocolates, and my friend here will have one too.
Global
Warming Natural Process looks pleadingly at the Waiter.
Waiter
Will there be anything else?
Friend
(
jokingly)
Yes. Make it snappy. For as you can see, my friend's need is most desperate.
Waiter
Sure thing. I understand. All this global climate change we're causing is getting on everyone's nerves.
Global
Warming Natural Process looks sharply at his Friend, in shock.
The Waiter walks away.
Global Warming Natural Process
(
agitated and hissing)
See? The bipeds are blaming themselves for this cold. Just like I told you.
Friend
I see what you mean. We'll have to explore this further.
Global Warming Natural Process
What do you propose we do?
Friend
Simple. You'll ask somebody.
Global Warming Natural Process
Me?
Friend
Yes, you. It's your problem, not mine.
Global Warming Natural Process
Okay, I will.
Global
Warming Natural Process looks around and spots Java Joe talking to a customer at another table.
Global
Warming Natural Process waves at Java Joe, trying to get her attention. She finally notices and walks over to his table.
Java Joe
Yes, sir? Is everything all right?
Global Warming Natural Process
No, it's not all right, young lady.
Java Joe
(
looks at table)
Oh, I see. I'm sorry no one's taken your order yet. What would you like?
Global Warming Natural Process
No, it's not that. What I want to know is—
The Waiter appears carrying two large cups of hot chocolate. Java Joe backs up to give him some room.
Waiter
Here you are. Two special hot chocolates.
The Waiter sets one cup down on the table in front of Global
Warming Natural Process and the other in front of his Friend. The Waiter then takes his notepad out of his pocket.
Waiter
Who gets the bad news?
Global
Warming Natural Process crosses his arms and leans back.
Global Warming Natural Process
(
grumbling)
Looks like you all do.
Friend
Never mind my friend here. He's having a bad day. Just give me the check.
The Waiter tears off a slip of paper.
Waiter
Here you are.
(
hands check to Friend)
Enjoy your hot chocolates.
The Waiter walks off. Java Joe moves forward and addresses Global
Warming Natural Process.
Java Joe
Is there still a problem, sir?
Global Warming Natural Process
You bet your beads there is. I want to know how long you bipeds—
Java Joe
(
interrupting)
I apologize for your wait, sir. But, as you can see, we're quite crowded today. Let me get you some coupons to make up for the inconvenience.
Global Warming Natural Process
No, you're not listening. It's not about the service here. I've seen much worse. Just tell me why you bipeds feel that you're all the cause of this record cold.
Java Joe
(
confused)
What?
Global Warming Natural Process
Yes. Explain to my friend why your waiter there would tell us, and I quote, "All this global climate change we're causing" — "we're causing"! — "is getting on everyone's nerves."
Java Joe
The waiter who was just here told you that? When?
Global Warming Natural Process
Right after we ordered.
(
to his Friend)
Right?
The Friend, deciding to humor Global
Warming Natural Process, nods in the affirmative.
Java Joe
Oh! I think I understand. You'll have to excuse him. He's excited about the visit we're expecting this afternoon from the senator?
Global Warming Natural Process
(
clueless)
Senator? What senator?
Java Joe
(
mildly shocked)
You don't know? I thought that's why you and everyone else are here at two o'clock in the afternoon. To meet the senator, of course. She's expected to arrive any minute now.
Friend
We didn't know. We just came in here for some hot chocolate.
Java Joe
That's all right. It was only announced this morning. Unfortunately, the Secret Service has asked me that I clear everyone out who isn't a pre-screened—
(
air quotes)
"customer" before she arrives. So I'll have to ask you two gentlemen to leave.
Global Warming Natural Process
What!
Java Joe
Yes, sir. And you'll have to hurry, too, because we're about to lock all the doors.
Global Warming Natural Process
This is ridiculous! Are you saying we're not allowed to come into a public establishment —
(
points to main entrance)
one that's displaying a "we're open" sign — all because some so-called "public" servant is paying you a visit?
Java Joe
It's for security, sir. From what the Secret Service told me, she's received a few death threats.
Global Warming Natural Process
I'm not surprised. If she's in the habit of keeping honest entities from enjoying their cups of hot chocolate on a record cold day, it's a wonder she hasn't received more than just a few.
Java Joe
(
growing suspicious)
Is that meant to be a threat, sir?
Friend
(
intervenes)
No, not at all, my good woman.
(
to Global Warming Natural Process)
Look, I think it best if we leave. We're not welcome here.
Global Warming Natural Process
(
exasperated)
You can say that again.
Global
Warming Natural Process and his Friend get up and head toward the main entrance.
Before they can exit, two Secret Servicemen walk in, blocking their path.
Secret Serviceman One
Sorry, sirs. No one is allowed to leave the premises until after the senator's visit. Would you please retake your seats?
To be continued...
