S/RES/1717 (2006)

Distr.: General 

The Security Council,Very, very disappointed that Iran has categorically rejected and steadfastly ignored the Council's repeated complaints and abject whining,Noting with very, very serious concern that Iran continues to enrich nuclear material in direct violation of all applicable provisions of the Treaty on the Non-proliferation of Nuclear Weapons, resolutions of the Council, decisions and orders of the IAEA under the Additional Protocol, and stampings of feet and holdings of breaths till turnings of blues with runnings of snots out of the noses of the international community,Giddily thanking the Foreign Minister of France, Philippe Douste-Blazy, for his very generous offer of a very large, very surprisingly clean (even if very worn from extreme overuse) and thus very visible white flag on 2 August 2006 (S/2006/617),Emphasizing again the admittedly dubious importance of talks and negotiations with, as well as outright appeasement of any state that urinates profusely down the backs of the Council's members then tells them it is really a raging thunderstorm, and seriously noting the possibility that a careful examination of such thunderstorm may conclude that it is one or the other,Deeply concerned by the unprecedented amounts of mocking and contemptuous laughter directed squarely at the Council, and being very, very, very determined not to tightly squinch up its face and cry uncontrollably like a little baby whose diapers are odoriferously full and badly need changing in response,Acting [sic] under anything but the Charter of the United Nations in order to point fingers and kick this Iran can thingy down the road towards nuclear conflagration,Calls upon Iran without any further delay whatsoever to take all steps required by every relevant resolution of the Council and the IAEA Board of Governors, which are very essential to keep either body from passing yet another resolution calling upon the exact same thing;Demands Requests Sobbingly begs, in this context, that Iran shall should might ought to suspend all some perhaps even the tiniest bit (please? 'twould be very much appreciated – theeenks) of enrichment-related and reprocessing activities, including research and development, to be verified examined completely believed and instantly accepted, hook, line and sinker, by the IAEA;Expresses, endorses, and requests a bunch of convictional and determinate sounding stuff that makes the Council sound like it is actually trying to do something when the exact opposite is true, to be filled in later (provided there is any later);Confirms that the Council was only kidding when it offhandedly implied additional measures will be necessary in the event that Iran fails to comply with the last resolution (S/RES/1696);Decides to throw up its hands as well as the contents of its stomach before convulsing in painful, violent seizures all over this matter.