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elcome back to our special holiday edition of Who Wants to Be A Moonbat. Our next contestant is UC-Berkeley foreign exchange student Splode D. Dhope. Tell us a little about yourself, Splode."

"I'm from Syria and will be graduating next year with a double major in Joooooish studies and civil engineering."

"That's an interesting combination. What kind of career opportunities are out there for someone with such a degree?"

"All kinds. About 5.4 million different ones, according to most recent census figures. Of course, if I win big here, I could be CEO of my very own related firm."

"Now I know why you requested, instead of in dollars, that your winnings be in ounces of pentaerythritol tetranitrate-blended triacetone triperoxide plastic explosive. Something only a civil engineer could appreciate, no doubt."

"A civil engineer who's studied Jooooos' movements...I mean, culture—culture."

"Of course. Now you know the rules of our game. Are you ready to play Who Wants to Be A Moonbat?"

"Yes."

"Then let's start. For one hundred ounces of PETN-blended TATP plastic explosive, here's your first question: The Constitution of the United States is what? [a] Something written by slave-owning, women-hating white guys? [b] A living document? [c] Whatever liberals say it is? or [d] All of the above?"

"The answer is D. All of the above. That's my final answer."

"You are correct. You've won one hundred ounces of plastic explosive. Let's try for two hundred. Here's your next question: When an Islamonazi terrorist freedom fighter blows himself up along with a busload of children, how many virgins will he be rewarded with? [a] 15? [b] Zero? [c] 72? or [d] 911?"

"Well, as much as I'd like it to be that last number, I know it's C. Seventy-two. Final answer."

"Good thing it isn't more, because the correct answer is...seventy-two! You're now up to two hundred ounces. Next question is for three hundred: What is Tedboat al-Qennedy's favorite kind of drink? Is it—[a] Russian Vodka? [b] Irish Whisky? [c] French Wine? or [d] All of the above and lots of it?"

"I don't want to drive off a bridge here, so I'm going to use my audience lifeline for this question."

"OK, audience. Input your answers....Well, it looks like one hundred percent chose D."

"I suppose any Great Satan decadent audience would know much more about it than I. So I'm going to go with their answer. It's D."

"That your final answer?"

"Yes."

"They sure must know something. You're still above water and the winner of three hundred ounces of plastic explosive. Let's try for five hundred: Shortly before Sodam Insane's dictatorship presidency was toppled in 2003, he won his country's presidential election. What percentage of the vote did he receive? Was it—[a] Less than 10 percent? [b] Over 95 percent? [c] 75 percent? or [d] 52 percent?"

"Over 95 percent."

"You sound very sure of yourself."

"I know it for a fact. The construction company I worked for at the time was contracted to dig the mass graves for the less than one percent who voted against him. So that's my final answer."

"Guess you had to be there. And a good thing you were, because you're correct! You just won five hundred ounces. We've now come to the first milestone. For one thousand ounces of plastic explosive, here's your next question: A student who uses his finger to go 'Bang! Bang!' will get expelled from public government school—[a] Always? [b] Never? [c] Only in a Blue State? or [d] Only if he's demonstrating something other than the proper use of a condom?"

"Since I know only about madrassas, I'm not sure I understand the question."

"Would you like me to repeat it?"

"No. But I would like to take my fifty-fifty lifeline now."

"All right. Two wrong answers have been randomly removed. Your choice now is either—[b] Never? or [d] Only if he's demonstrating something other than the proper use of a condom?"

"Well, I know it's not never, so I'm going to say D. Final answer."

"Never say never. It is D! You now have one thousand ounces of plastic explosive. Which is what you'll take home even if you answer any of the next questions incorrectly."

"That's great. I'm ready to continue."

"In that case, for two thousand ounces, your next question is: When Palestingian President Yasshat Eurofat died, what did FrUNch President Jaquestrap ChIraq call him? [a] Goat *BLEEP*er? [b] Quite the AIDies man? [c] A hero? or [d] My favorite terrorist?"

"Since I know both were very, very close, I can say it has to be C. That's my final answer."

"You can say it again, Splode, because you just won two thousand ounces!"

"Phew! I almost have enough now for an operation I'm planning."

"A civil-engineering operation?"

"Yeah, something like that."

"Good. Let's try for four thousand ounces then: Which vulgar name did Spanish foreign minister Migruel Morontinos recently call President George W. Bush? Was it—[a] A complete cowboy? [b] A complete breakfast? [c] A complete booger eater? or [d] A complete *BLEEP*head?"

"Hmm. I think I'm gonna have to use my phone-a-friend lifeline for this one."

"O.K. Who?"

"My good friend Ben O'Sam, uh, in Pakistan."

"All right. Dialing it now..."

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Ben?"

"Er, yes."

"Hello, Ben. This is HAL Gorebot from Who Wants to Be A Moonbat. Splode is using his lifeline to you for a question. Go ahead, Splode."

"Hi, Ben. The question is: Which vulgar name did Spanish foreign minister Migruel Morontinos recently call President George W. Bush? A complete cowboy? A complete breakfast? A complete booger eater? Or a complete *BLEEP*head?"

"Hey, that last one is what I called the Great Satan president in my last demand audiotape I sent to that Spanish infidel fellah. He must've stolen it! So I tell you it's probably that one. By the way, HAL, thanks for everything you didn't do during the Nineties. It really helped me out a lot."

"Don't mention it. Really, don't ever again. OK, Splode. Which one's your answer."

"I suppose Ben should know whether an infidel stole something from him. So I'm going to go with D. A complete *BLEEP*head. Final answer."

"Well, ol' Ben must be laden down with moonbat answers. The answer he gave you just put you one step closer to being one! You now have four thousand ounces of plastic explosive."

"Closer to those seventy-two virgins, too."

"Huh? That was question number two. We're at question eight right now. And here it is, for eight thousand ounces: When Democlods kept winning a majority of federal and state elections, it was called a mandate. Now that Republicans are doing the same thing, it's known as what? [a] Multiple landslides? [b] Mass insanity? [c] Permanent realignment? or [d] Consistent flukes?"

"It is insane that Americans won't elect people ever willing to sign surrender agreements peace treaties with undefeated enemies. So I'm going to say the answer is B. Mass insanity."

"Final answer?"

"Uh-huh."

"Right again! You're up to eight thousand ounces. Here we go for sixteen thousand: While DNCBS Enemy-Assisting Propaganda News constantly plasters across the entire TV screen how many American troops have died in Iraq, what's its main reason for never similarly posting the number of terrorists our troops have killed there? [a] That number is too large to fit on any TV screen? [b] DNCBS doesn't want to offend any terrorists? [c] Dan Rather can't read very large numbers? or [d] DNCBS hopes to demoralize the American people with such a One-Sided Full-Screen Scoreboard™?"

"You're right. You never hear that number. You'd think all the insurgent types were getting away unscathed. Must be a great moral booster for those Mickey Mooron Minute Men®."

"Fifteen seconds left."

"Well, in this particular case, I believe DNCBS's main reason for showing its one-sided scoreboard is to demoralize the American people. So it's D. Final answer."

"Well, you yourself don't have to worry about getting demoralized. You just got sixteen thousand ounces of plastic explosive! That puts you at the second milestone. So for thirty-two thousand ounces, here's your next question: When a government employee wishes you Merry Christmas Xmas on public property, he, she or other is most likely doing what? [a] Violating the Separation of Church and State Clause in the constitution? [b] Discriminating against Muslims? [c] Living in a Red State? or [d] Wishing you a Merry Christmas Xmas?"

"Hmm. My instinct says he's discriminating against Muslims. But my sense of logic says he's most likely violating that SOCAS clause. So I'm going to go with A. That's my final answer."

"That's some logic. It's my sense you just won thirty-two thousand ounces! You passed the second milestone and now have a chance to win sixty-four thousand with this somewhat related question: When a government employee wishes you Kwazy Kwanzaa on public property, he, she or other is most likely doing what? [a] Celebrating cultural diversity? [b] Violating the Separation of Church and State Clause in the constitution? [c] Living in a Blue State? or [d] Patronizing those who are gullible enough to fall for a Marxist-inspired, phony holiday?"

"I'll have to use my phone-a-friend lifeline here."

"Who this time?"

"Hideously Rotten al-Qlinton."

"Oh! Is she a good friend of yours?"

"Not really. But she understands me a lot, and in fact sponsored my application to UC-Berkeley after one of her major campaign donors, the American Muslim Alliance, contacted her about it."

"How interesting. Dialing her number now..."

"What! Who is this? How did you get my personal number!"

"Hi, Hideously. This is HAL Gorebot from Who Wants to Be A Moonbat. Your friend, Splode, is using his lifeline to you, right here on our nationally syndicated television program."

"Oh—Why, of course. Nice of you to call, Sploat."

"I'm Splode, you burkaless female. Now here's the question: When a government employee wishes you Kwazy Kwanzaa on public property, he, she or other is most likely doing what? Celebrating cultural diversity? Violating the Separation of Church and State Clause in the constitution? Living in a Blue State? Or patronizing those who are gullible enough to fall for a Marxist-inspired, phony holiday?"

"I can answer this in about twice the time it's going to take me to fire that Jooooo *BLEEP* who gave you my number. He, she, other is celebrating cultural diversity. Only a redstate, backwater dumb hick wouldn't know that. In fact, I've sponsored a bill replacing Xmas with Kwanzaa as a national holiday, because I fully support cultural diversity and hope voters will understand how much I—"

"Please cut her off, HAL, before she uses up all my time!"

"—care about The Ch-ch-children™ who need nationalized health care for—"

"Good. Bye. Hideously. You have three seconds, Splode."

"My final answer is A, then."

"The ol' windbag almost cost you your chance there to be as much a moonbat as she is. But you answered in time, fortunately. And correctly, I might add! You now have sixty-four thousand ounces of plastic explosive under your belt—so to speak. Congratulations."

"Thanks."

"Are you ready for your next question?"

"Absolutely."

"Good. Here it is, for one hundred twenty-five thousand ounces of plastic explosive: In all presidential elections since 1804, how many sitting U.S. Senators have ever won who did not die in office during their first term as president? Is it—[a] 4? [b] 7? [c] None? or [d] 2?"

"It's a good thing I read Web logs, because I read once on one that only two sitting Senators have ever been elected president. But both those died in office during their first term. So my answer is C. None."

"Final answer?"

"Yes."

"Good thing someone I know invented the Internet or you might have missed reading it. I don't know how brown that Web logger's pajama top is, but seems he, she or other did the research. You and he/she/other are both correct! Which now gives you one hundred and twenty-five thousand ounces. Would you like to try for a quarter million?"

"Certainly."

"Then let's continue: Global Warming® is the result of which phenomena? [a] Naturally-occurring cyclical processes? [b] Decrease in the earth's mean distance from the sun? [c] Evil conservatives riding around in their SUVs? or [d] Mickey Mooron eating one too many cans of baked beans?"

"Hmm. I'm not a climatologist, other than in the sense I'd like to someday see an explosive release of certain noxious gasses into the atmosphere of any enclosed space frequented by infidels, such as Mall of America. And I know the NotACLUe recently sued a public school district for teaching about global warming because it involved mentioning El Niño, which means 'Christ Child' in Spanish."

"O.K."

"Of course, Global Warming is bad, which means it can't be natural. And anything bad regarding the environment has to be the result of something conservatives have done. So I'm going to have to say it's C."

"Is that your final answer?"

"Uh, yes."

"I'm not sure I followed all that—or if anyone at home did either—but...you're right! It is C. Just think of how many SUVs, hypothetically speaking, you could blow up with that quarter million ounces of plastic explosive you just won."

"Yes. Jooooo-filled ones....many, many Jooooooo-filled SUVs....many, many, many—"

"Right. Snap out of it so you can tell me whether you want to try for half a million ounces."

"Oh, I—uh, yes. I want to continue."

"Then for five hundred thousand ounces of plastic explosive, here's your next question: When former El Presidente BiIsIs al-Qlinton was caught blue-dressed red-handed giving false testimony in a sexual-harassment lawsuit against him, what was his response? [a] 'Everybody Does It© so Let's Move On For The Ch-ch-children™ but not the Top One Percent® because...It's. Just. About. Sex.'? [b] 'I've never seen that stain before in my life'? [c] 'No one'll ever impeach me for this'? or [d] 'Is is as is does'?"

"I think I'll use another lifeline here."

"Who do you want to call?"

"Defeated Senate minority leader SadTom Dasch-hat."

"All right. Dialing his number now..."

"Hi, you have reached the Senate majority leader. I mean, minority leader. I mean, former minority leader. Oh, whatever. I'm not in right now because I'm looking for a lobbying job with my wife. If you'd like to leave your number, don't waste your time. I'm just way too sad to talk to you right now. *BEEEEEP*"

"Didn't you tell SadTom you'd be on at this time, Splode?"

"Well, yes. He was sounding even sadder than usual, so I was kinda expecting this. Although I'm very, very disappointed that he would mislead me and the entire show like that."

"In any case, you know the rules. You only get one attempt. That means you'll have to answer the question yourself."

"Okay. I think it's that 'stain' response, then. Although I'm not sure."

"Final answer?"

"No. Let me think...Don't tell a small lie, tell a whopper and repeat it often...repeat it often.... Oh! Pack all the regular lies along with that particular one into a single, incomprehensible statement. That's it. It has to be A. 'Everybody does it,' et cetera. Final answer."

"Well, nobody does it like you do when it comes to predictably giving the 'right' moonbat answer. You just won one-half million ounces of plastic explosive! Now we'll show you what you could win if you decide to continue. All right, fellahs, roll the big crate in...."

"Wow! Are there really a million ounces of PETN-blended TATP plastic explosive in that crate?"

"Now, Splode, would we lie about something like that?"

"I suppose not. And they're all packed inside the pouches of easy-to-conceal...I mean, easy-to-carry body belts, just as I requested"

"Yep. Every body belt in there has been carefully lined with twenty ounces of plastic explosive. Detonator included—also as you requested."

"Praise Allah!"

"And all of it could be yours if you decide to continue."

"In that case, I want to go on and try for the million ounces!"

"All right."

"I do have one more request, if you don't mind."

"What's that?"

"May I wear just one of those body belts during the next question...for, er, luck?"

"Why of course you may. Give him one, fellahs..."

"Thanks, infidel servant fellah. Now let me see....This strap goes here, and it ties here. Kinda snug, by the way—but it doesn't matter. And the detonator wires go in here...and here...and the last one here. Ah, just right. How does it look?"

"Very fetching on you. Are you ready to try and win the entire crate of one million ounces now?"

"Absolutely. I'm feeling a whole lot luckier already."

"Good. Your final question, for a million ounces of plastic explosive, is: The strategy of asymetrical warfare cooked up by Algerian psycho psychiatrist Frantz Fanon mainly consists of which tactic and goal? [a] Sending the representative of an 'oppressed' Marxist regime to Hollyweird so he will be given money and publicly fawned over by empty-headed starlets? [b] Bribing Mickey Mooron with free chili dogs for life so he will direct more documentaries that terrorists militants can quote from for their propaganda videos? [c] Goading an army of liberation colonial occupation into reprisals against civilians so the latter will join the rebellion en masse? or [d] Blowing up Israeli kindergartens and school buses so the kids in them will not grow up to be adult Joooooooos?"

"Oh, I can't believe this is my question!"

"Well, after all, it is for one million ounces. We had to make it hard."

"'Hard'? I learned this in my third grade Palestingianology class. The answer is C."

"Your final answer?"

"You betcha. Yes."

"Hmm, it seems you are...correct! Congratulations. You are now a bona fide moonbat."

"Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar!"

"You've won the entire million ounces of plastic explosive, including that twenty inside the belt you're wearing."

"That's right, infidel. And I know just what to do with it!"

"What do you mean?"

"Ah-ha! While you weren't looking I activated the belt's detonator. And I will blow you, me, and the whole audience up so I can be rewarded my seventy-two virgins. I ought to get a few green-eyed redheads out of this, too, for slaughtering this many infidels at one time. Mwhaha hahhah haha...."

"Ooh, we're sooooo scared."

"You ought to be, infidels! I personally know UBL and have had operational contacts with al-Zitqawi. They both should be most pleased with how I'm martyring myself right now, using the very things you unclean infidels have supplied me with."

"What, no demands?"

"Yes, one. I demand that you all die horrible, mangled deaths, and that your blood flow out into the street like rivers. And all your countrymen weep afterwards like women."

"Is that all?"

"No. I want every liberal in your nation to curse the day he, she or other was born an American!"

"I'm sure we won't be able to meet any of your demands. Other than that last one, of course."

"And why is that?"

"You see, the audience is composed exclusively of DHS and FBI agents."

"Ah...but even that won't save you, you infidel former VP! I have my finger on this dead man's switch and will be releasing it as soon as I'm ready. I'll be taking all those Great Satan agents of yours with me and become an even more revered martyr!"

"There's something else you should know, also. I'm not really HAL Gorebot."

"What?"

"Yes. Once I remove this makeup...you can see...that I'm...actually...Tom Ridge! Tah-da. We're about to close the pod-bay doors on your puny cell here in this country—permanently, you stupid moonbat terrorist."

"No matter. All of you here will die now! Allahu Akbar!—huh? Wait, let me reset this. O.K...Allahu Akbar!—Hey, what gives?"

"That belt you're wearing. It's full of Playdough®, not plastic explosive. Same goes for this crate."

"But you assured me there were a million ounces of plastic explosive in it!"

"Wrong. I said, 'Would we lie about something like that?' And you said, 'I suppose not.' It's the one question you didn't answer correctly this evening. Mwhahaha hahaha hahah. But don't worry. We're going to be asking you a whole lot more in the days and weeks ahead. OK, fellahs, take the terrorist away."

"Noooooooo!"

"Sorry, we have to MoveOn now. Thanks for playing. No lifeline to your lawyer, either, since you've confessed—on national television, no less—to being an enemy combatant."

"Whaaaaaaah...."

"Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've no moore time left for this special edition of Who Wants to Be A Moonbat. Be sure to tune in to CNN-DNCBS-NBC-ABC-BBC and other MSM stations for regular, hourly episodes of our show. For all of us here at Who Wants to Be A Moonbat, goodnight, Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!"

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