Liberal use of Qetchup. (Inspired by Frank J.'s "qetchup money" line from his "A Frank Analysis of the First Presidential Debate of 2004.")


hile it's still a secret, portions of Hanoi John's plan (all in French frUNch) have already been leaked to poured on top of Ye Olde Forked Slimes and various other liberal news organizations. Since those portions are all nearly as boring and monotonously inconsistent as JFQ is, it was necessary to translate them into something vaguely less uninteresting. Here are the results:

The French make fries. So from now on we'll pour copious amounts of qetchup on them. That'll show the French we support their fries.

The Germans make sauerkraut. Qetchup on them too now.

Russians make caviar. (Not sure whether pouring qetchup on them—caviar, not the Russians–is a good idea. Although pouring qetchup on any commies still left in Russia sounds like great fun.)

If you turn a full qetchup bottle upside down high above a plate, after about an hour or so the qetchup all pours out into a big mound with a distinct summit. Summits are good.

Whenever someone says we're falling behind in something (test scores, adopting broadband, Botox injections, etc.), respond that we're actually qetching up!

Bloggers will be required to type all their posts in Heinz New Roman font, which is all red and invites careless run-on sentences. (This will also be MS Word's default font from now on, making it much harder for CBS to forge any more memos.) For example:

All hand grenades will be replaced with new qetchup bottles, so when you throw one at the terrorists the bottle will burst, splattering qetchup all over the terrorists who will think it's their blood and they've been wounded and will promptly run away. (If the color of the last sentence isn't red, that's because Heinz New Roman font hasn't been invented yet.)

We will ask that country our Armed Forces freed from Saddam Hussein's mass-murderous clutches to start calling itself Iraqetchup. The terrorists might think it's the source of those qetchup grenades and will want to stay away. (Iraqis can still call themselves Iraqis because Iraqetchupians sounds too dumb.)

The United Nations will be moved to a building that's shaped like a qetchup bottle. Every useless nitwit inside will be required to display a real bottle of it on his or her desk. Qofi Annan will change his name to Qetchupy Runnin'. That'll show terrorists how serious and united the whole world is with regard to qetchup.

The Heinz Corporation will be ordered to move all 57 of its overseas qetchup factories back to the United States. No bottle of qetchup will be made unless its label has "Proudly Made in the USA" printed on it.

The value of the dollar will be set to exactly one 12-ounce squeeze bottle of qetchup. Just because.

Moreover, the dollar bill itself will no longer have a portrait of George Washington on it, but of whoever's the First Lady.

Scientists will be ordered to invent automobiles that run off qetchup. Then the next time we go to war no hippie can yell "Blood For Oil!" (If he starts yelling "Blood For Qetchup!" people will think he's crazy, or just confused by the similarity in color and consistency between the two.)

The tomato will become both the National Fruit and the National Vegetable, thus ending the age-old debate that, botanically or horticulturally speaking, it's one or the other. To this end, a new 24-hour Qetchup Channel will report on both the War on Terrorism and various tomato recipes.

Qetchup Red will be the new black this season.

Putting qetchup on one's scrambled eggs will no longer be considered weird.

If you buy at least one case of qetchup per year, you'll qualify for the new Qetchup Tax Credit, which will encourage increased use of qetchup in every American household.

The cure for cancer and most other diseases requires massively increasing funding for qetchup research. Trust us.

Qetchup smuggling is a serious offense and won't be tolerated. Anyone caught smuggling qetchup will be handed over to the International Qriminal Qourt.

Iran and North Korea will be allowed to use nuclear reactors to boil tomatoes for domestic qetchup production. (Don't worry. CBS just discovered a memo that says those types of reactors aren't suited to enriching uranium for nuclear weapons, so you can rest easy—unless you notice yourself glowing in the dark.)

North Korea's dictator-for-life Kim Jong Il will be given a squeeze bottle of qetchup and told it's really a special brand of herbal shampoo. That'll fix his poofy hair!

For more information, see the official government Web site of The Qerry Plan at...you guessed it: www.qetchup.gov. (Also, for sake of clarity, Washington, D.C. will be renamed Heinzington, D.C.)

By the way, if you go to that Web site it says only registered moonbats can see Qerry's Seqret Plan. But if you'd like to too, for the username type in "guest" followed by the password "XmasInCambodia."

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