Inspired by Denny Wilson's USS Jimmy Carter.


uring a Botox-transfusion accident caused by an improperly ionized needle, Hanoi John F'in' al-Qerry gets sucked into a parallel universe where he's premiere of the Socialist States of America.

His first order as Vendor in Grief is to decommission all American warships and replace them with the following frUNch-approved "navy":

SSS William Jefferson Blythe Qlinton (AO #311)

Built for speed so it can outrun any pursuit and avoid capture by other S.S. ships when ordered to actually join the fleet. Ship's flag: dark blue with small, irregular splotch in one corner.

SSS Hitlary Rodent Qlinton (AF #666)

Stealth refrigeration vessel, impervious to normal radar while approaching party conventions. Ship's flag: manila envelope covered with fingerprints.

SSS Albert B. Arnold Gore (LPD #2000)

"Manned" entirely by robots and androids, although the remote control system often malfunctions in years evenly divisible by four, causing it to inexplicably belch. Ship's flag: skull and crossbones beneath picture of voting booth.

SSS Theodore Kennedy (MVT #L78207)

Runs off pure alcohol but is very slow to react when ordered to steer hard to port. Ship's flag: asszure with picture of overly large hat.

SSS Charles Schumer (AG #486-4430)

Has no guns aboard whatsoever, although crew members are allowed to keep and bear lucky rabbit feet. Ship's flag: white with red circle in the center surrounded by two concentric red rings.

SS Nancy Pelosi (Y #556-4862)

Inspects the shallows for motes in other ship's portholes while ignoring the beams in its own. Ship's flag: France's.

SSS New York Times (ATF #2003)

Hauls around fabricated supplies and worn-out parts that are stale and unusable. Ship's flag: yellow with picture of leaky pen.

SSS King Louis IX (AK #36-C)

Qetchup tanker and transporter of see-through gowns for Qerry's female kin. Ship's flag: Red with two hammer-n-suckles.

	9:17 AM

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